Starting Up, One Year Later: The Downward Spiral
[This entry is part of a series. Read previous entries here.]
A fellow developer, entrepreneur, and friend said this to me yesterday:
I feel like all I do is wake up, code, then do it again.
His statement vindicated my own feelings -- feelings that began to gradually manifest sometime early this year. I'd gone home to Ohio for Christmas and come back somewhat refreshed (as refreshed as one can be after a week in the midwest), but it wasn't long before the storm I felt coming settled above my desk and started to let pour. I decided, I must just need a change. So I quit smoking, because that didn't seem to be doing me much good. And I started going to the gym six days a week again, because I felt like a lazy pile of shit. And those helped. Well, the latter anyway. Most recently, I managed to successfully trick an incredibly smart, beautiful woman into dating me; in that regard I haven't been so lucky in a long time, if ever. So what gives?
What about my friend? This is a guy who seems to have a pretty balanced life, all things considered. His startup received some funding which (presumably) means he isn't watching his net worth decline like most startup founders. He has a long-term girlfriend he's rather happy with. His tweets suggest he occasionally engages in activities "normal" people do. I can't speak to the cause of his malaise, but after careful self-examination and admitting some hard truths, I did find the cause of mine: Me. * * * * *
The life of a startup founder is, quite naturally, inextricably linked to his or her business. While it certainly wasn't the case six months ago, I do have some semblance of balance in my life now. The problem is, I can't justify it to myself. Dan and I aren't sitting on piles of money, so why aren't I suffering more? Sacrificing more? I can't even sit in bed writing this without thinking, "I should really be working," and therein, as the bard would tell us, lies the rub.
All the stuff "normal" folks do to unwind and interact with the world outside of their jobs -- go to the gym, read a book, go out to dinner, watch TV, play a game, etc. -- I either won't allow myself to do or feel guilty over doing. These cathartic activities are, as it turns out, rather important (to those of us who aren't robots). In my case, foregoing them led to a gradual, at first imperceptible downward spiral which has culminated in what I can only describe as a crushing cycle of stress and guilt. I feel both constantly stressed by my unending responsibilities as our sole developer (better finish that feature or we starve to death! OMGBBQ! No! I've no time for a BBQ now!) and profoundly guilty any time I try to relieve that stress. When I tell people, "all I do is work," I don't mean that literally; I don't write code 16 hours a day. But when anything else I do is met with self-loathing, what else do I really do?
I implore those of you planning (or just beginning) to start up: don't fall into this trap! Without a doubt, there are sacrifices that must be made; you'll need to work long hours, limit social activities, and weather disasters along the way. But regretting every moment you don't sacrifice isn't one of them, and it doesn't scale. Paul Graham says starting up is like being "repeatedly punched in the face," but we founders can do a lot of the punching at times. After a year of running a startup you may find yourself feeling like you're waking up in Office Space, or worse. You won't be doing your company any favors by digging your own grave, trust me. The worst part is, I know if I could have one week of completely guiltless, justified relaxation for the year I've given, I could reset and do another, no problem. I could handle the stress fine were I able to exorcise it occasionally, without creating more as a byproduct of guilt. Silly me, though: I dug this giant hole then threw away the shovel!
Though I managed to transform myself from someone who loved every moment of life to a man who doesn't always enjoy getting out of bed (and I don't even have a particularly comfortable bed), there may be light at the end of the tunnel. Spending time with my special lady friend is the first thing I've managed to do without feeling guilty in quite a while, maybe because I feel that finding a great woman is equally as rare as creating a great company so both deserve some time, albeit an unequal amount at first. I even took yesterday off because I woke up without the desire to even look at code, and I only feel semi-terrible about it! I might not know exactly how I got here, or how to get back to where I was, but I damn well know one thing: when this is all said and done, no matter the outcome, I sure as hell won't feel I didn't give it my all. * * * * *I'm not really sure what you should take from that rambling diatribe against me, but one thing might be: Don't lose perspective. Today Dan said to me, "You know what's at stake -- take a break if you need it." At my core, I'm a very laid back, "whatever happens, happens" sort of guy, so phrases like "you know what's at stake" have a tendency to freak me out because, no, I don't really know what's at stake! Is it something serious?! So I just assume whenever somebody says something like that, there's a lot. And I get a little nutty. And maybe that's why I'm here now, writing this. Because we're told as founders to work hard and sacrifice and give a statistically-impossible 110%, and just don't die, and if you do all that, chances are good you'll eventually succeed. If not, you'll probably fail, and you'll wonder, "did I do enough?" I've never been partially responsible for a company or someone I profoundly care about (not gay! not gay!); how awful would it be to fail and feel I could have done more?! Shit, shit, shit! I've only ever been responsible for me and God knows I don't take myself remotely seriously! Then again, maybe you'll wake up one day and wonder, "Why the fuck am I doing this to myself?" Then perhaps you'll convince yourself that, like pre-moistened towelettes, pre-forged guilt is a good thing because it'll keep you focused (and clean). Months later you'll finally admit you're being irrational and write a whiney diatribe about it, which fails to actually resolve anything. But at least you got to reference The Big Lebowski. And somebody will probably submit it to Hacker News and get karma, so it isn't all bad. So don't lose perspective! Starting your own company is a big deal and you should sacrifice as much as you can to make it successful, especially if other people are in it with you. It's definitely a reason to put your big-boy pants on. But it isn't worth hating yourself over. The irony is, I've done things in my life way worse than "not working hard enough," and it took losing perspective and manifesting guilt to finally prove I have a moral compass, even if it's too broken to find North. Thanks for reading. Now get back to work, you lazy sod!
